There are unanswered questions that burn through my mind.
They circle like hawks over my daily routines always just…there. I can look up at them and focus my attention, or look away and keep moving as the questions circle. My journey wonders what answer these circling questions seek and sometimes I search for it. I look for rocks to overturn on these desert plains in hope that something will scurry out and grab their attention, allowing them to dive down and snatch it up like a fresh kill for a hungry predator.
But nothing seems to grab their attention and after a while I just go back to getting on, leaving them hovering.
Our journey is long and far, and can actually feel it at times.
We search for meaning, enlightenment, inspiration – we strive and push but often something can be left unsaid in our lives, and that can make it hard to move forward.
We think about the how, when, what and why, over and over.
We can push others and ourselves for answers and only get what seems like further away from a closure, resolution or direction.
We stare at skies, take long walks and baths, or drink it into a red hot pointed arrow.
We can scream into pillows, sob on sidewalks, or look up to skies in sheer exhaustion, searching, praying – desperate – all to no avail.
We can read article after article, push in or pull away, but sometimes there is no answer to be found.
And then as the sun rises, carrying the warmth of a new day over the desert plains after a long cold night – we see. We see clearly in the break of day that no answer might just be the answer.
It is now clear there is a lesson here.
We learn that no direction is a direction; often an inward one to rest and reset.
No solution is a lesson in accepting uncertainty and sometime we must move forward as we would a person trying to walk in the dark, with hands out feeling our way, rather than seeing.
No closure can mean that sometimes we need to stretch ourselves a little further, grow a little more from this, give it more time.
It doesn’t make it any easer – I know that. I have breathed this.
But it does provide huge growth potential. It does turn an outward facing light inward. It provides a warm self-hug if you let yourself in.
I will never say this is an easy trip. Days are long and hard. Like a march through the desert plain on the physical, is this on the emotional.
All you can do is acknowledge the ebb and flow; that the wave this comes in on will too again return and flow. But the time limit is unknown.
I can only suggest softening yourself into it, learning your way around in the dark. Don’t wait for your answer, proceed anyway.
And honor yourself through the circles of life by letting yourself rest, reset, and when you feel your way as you search in the dark, you will know when it is right. Only you have that answer and only time will reveal it to you.
Photo on the grass by Jorunn Lorenzen