He took his love away because he saw the destruction in it, in my life, like a boulder gravity pulls down the hill clearing all trees and bushes in its way.
The other took his love away with force and fear. I watched it disappear in my rear view mirror and sung along at the top of my lungs to drown out the pull of that which reduced my strength.
Others were soft, fluttering in and out leaving lessons, giving growth. And some, well the years don’t always change the fragility of the fall in me, still crashing flat on my face despite the warning signs.
I have learnt to listen to the voice of my heart. My intuition, when the most brutal of all had me understand the love had shifted to another yet acknowledgement of that was left denied. Instead I had to wrestle with the position that left me in until enough was enough.
And when is that. When is enough, enough? One asked me after, after he admitted a marriage was on hold – my disgust at the lie in non-disclosure. But we talked, moved to talking and learning. For me enough was when my heart was in shreds, my sanity waned, when I had given my whole heart and begged the pain be seen and it was not, then to be told it was in my head, the further inability to see straight that added and deep down, deep, deep down I knew. When the night shone the moonlight directly onto it so brightly I couldn’t lie to myself anymore without actually causing mental damage, when I felt that edge, enough was enough and I got up and walked away.
But I wouldn’t change a thing.
I wouldn’t remove any one of those heartbreaks.
I have broken and been broken. I have made mistakes and I have been the one mistakes have been made to, and each and every one teaches me, strengthens me, moves me, holds me and moulds me.
I have learnt to let my heart be broken. To know sadly the odds say it is likely to happen again. It might happen through a partner, a death, a new change, the release of an old way, I might do it to myself with my inability to see fully, but either way it will come.
And I will allow it in.
I am completely aware the cold of the night must come to make way for the warmth of dawn, and you cannot allow one in without the other, so I embrace them both.
I allow the feeling in and I feel it. I let the cracks appear and look up to the sky as the tears roll and respect the cycle of this life. I understand love cannot be poured into cracks that aren’t there. I understand growth and self-awareness thrives here and my mistakes fertilise it all.
So I allow in each opportunity with all the risk of heartbreak. I let my heart be broken.
Then I get up, dust off, allow my angels to put me back on my feet and I walk on.
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